


Hurt, Cut, Scar, Love

by EnglishPoison12



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Drama & Romance, F/M, Humor, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Murder, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, POV Original Character, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 06:23:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2571380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnglishPoison12/pseuds/EnglishPoison12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vanessa Grace is a foster kid who can't seem to stay with any family for long. When Dorea and Charlus Potter adopted her; She meets the Marauders as James's new sister. She goes to Hogwarts also meets everyone else. Her past has scared her from getting close to anyone or loving anyone, just like the scars on her arms. But will the Marauders help her take the risk to love?</p>
<p>(NOTICE: This story is also posted on Fanfiction.com and I own it COMPLETLE and is NOT a Copyright!!!!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

I pulled my long black jacket sleeves so they cover my arms from anyone's view. I was sitting on the porch of the foster home, waiting for my new foster mother to pick me up. It would be my 4th new foster home in the last three months. I never stayed at my foster homes long. I always do something to leave before they get attached to me or they can't handle me or end up sending me back because I was a 'disturbed kid' as the last couple put it. I felt like sighing as I pushed a strand of my dark, auburn hair that fell in my face because of the wind.

I keep my eye on my guitar that took me so long to buy. My social worker was standing a few ten feet away from me, tapping her foot nervously. She is probably thinking they changed their minds in wanting me. Not that I would be upset if they did. I was used to being abandoned, not wanted, nobody caring.

Suprisingly it hasn't bothered me in a long time.

I guess I was just used to it by now.

There was only one person in the whole world that ever did care, my mother, and she died when I was seven....

A red car pulled up in front of us; then, a woman got out. 

THe woman had dark red hair and dark blue eyes. She was wearing a pair of gray pants, a dark, green sweater and black low heels. She came up the steps and shook my social workers hand. They talked for a while then my worker went inside to grab the paperwork the woman had to sign. The woman watched my worker leave, then held her hand out for me to shake and smiled kindly at me.

"I'm Dorea Potter and you must be Vanessa." She said. I made sure she couldn't see my arms and I shook her hand then nodded in confirmation.

"You can call me, Dorea. Charlus, my husband, had to run some errands. You'll meet him later." She was going to continue when my worker came back with the papers. Dorea signed them. When we were leaving and Dorea was putting my suitcase in the car, I told her to be careful with my guitar, my social put a hand on my shoulder and hissed, "Don't mess this up." and squeezed my shoulder with her talons, that she calls nails. Dorea shut the trunk and shook hands with my worker and went to the other side of the car. I went to my side and slide into the backseat.

The ride was Dorea telling me everything I needed to know. Including that James, her son, didn't know he was getting a new sister today. She told me she and her husband knew about my past and explained she and Charlus wouldn't tell James or anyone unless I wanted to. I told her it was probably best that nobody else knew. She nodded in agreement. She also mentioned the fact that her and her family we're also indeed wizards and witches, like me.

I would be attending Hogwarts for my 7th year (With James). I was going to Beauxbatons no matter who I was with and they never knew I was a witch. I got expelled last year though because one: I didn't get along with all the preppy girls(which is every girl in that school) two: I hit a lot of girls when I had enough of them(they were bicthes that always didn't get in trouble for anything and they were bullies) three: I set the potion lab on fire by 'accident'(I hate that class) and fourth: I set a three headed dog into the school (I was aiming for it to kill a girl I hate, but it only bit her everywhere it could get to before the staff got rid of it.) That was the last straw and they expelled me. I am not to go anywhere near the grounds of that school ever again. Which was fine by me, I never want to go back to that hellhole anyway. I never made any friends there either.

After a while we pulled in front of a black gate. Dorea stopped the car and took out her wand and casted a spell and they creaked open. What was behind it was covered by trees. The car started to move again and we were soon pasted the trees. I gasped silently when I saw the house, but it was more like a castle. It was three stories high, it was painted white, at every other window was a balcony, and there was ivy growing up the side of it. It was beautiful.

"We keep so many trees in front because James and his friends love to play Quidditch so we have to have something to block the view from Muggles." Dorea said smiling at me. We pulled into the gravel driveway. We got out and headed inside. The inside of the house was just as grand as the outside.

"I'll show you to your room." Dorea replied.

She grabbed my suitcase and I grabbed my guitar following her up the grand staircase. She pointed out rooms to me while we passed them. She stopped at a room at the 3rd floor. She opened and gestured for me to go in. The walls were painted a pretty lavender color, there was a wardrobe in the corner, a queen sized bed in the center against the wall, and I had a balcony.

"This door leads to your own bathroom; I figured you wanted privacy being a girl." She said putting the suitcase on my new bed, then went across the room to open the door. I stood in the middle of the room looking around still. She tucked her hair behind her ear.

"I'll let you unpack. After you're done, come down stairs, everyone will be here in a few." Dorea said then left the room. I gazed around for a while then went over to my suitcase and started putting things away.

I knew this wouldn't last long, and they'd figure out I wasn't going to fit into their rich family and get rid of me as fast as they can. I sat on my bed after I was done when I heard the front door open and male voices talking to Dorea. I heard some auguring, some complaints, and some nervous voices then; "Vanessa, come and meet everyone!" Dorea yelled that seemed from the landing of the stairs. I took a deep breath, stood up and made sure I looked presentable, also that my arms don't show then head out of my new bedroom towards the stairs.


	2. Chapter Two

I stood at the top landing hiding from view of the people I was about to meet. Dorea was talking to a man who must be her husband, Charlus. A few feet away was a boy my age that looked exactly like the man I think to be Charlus. The boy had mess black that seemed untamable, hazel eyes behind glasses that fit his appearance perfectly. He also seemed to be a lot taller than me, probably about a head taller. They seemed nervous, which made me smile a little. I pulled my sleeves down lower and headed around the corner. They stopped talking when they saw me. Dorea came and put her hands on top of my shoulders gently.

"Vanessa this is my husband, Charlus," She gestured to the man. I knew it. He smiled kindly at me. "And this son, James." She gestured to the boy, who gave a small wave.

"Nice to meet you, Vanessa." James said and held out his hand. I pulled my sleeve more down with my fingers and shook his hand, giving him a small smile. He smiled one back.

"Well, now that we're all introduced I'm going to start making supper. Charlus come help me." Dorea said and head to a door which I guess probably was the kitchen door. Charlus sighed and turned to me.

"Excuse me, I liked to chat but duty calls." He replied. He then followed his wife into the kitchen. I was alone with James now. James rubbed his neck probably not sure what to do with me. It was silent then I had enough of it and turned to the stairs to go back to my new room. I was stopped by James though.

"Do you like Quidditch, by any chance?" He asked. I turned around and nodded. He smiled.

"What's your favorite team?" He questioned.

"The Cannons." I replied. This seemed to make him smile wider.

"Then we're going to get along just fine. I always wanted a little sister." He said and put his arm around my shoulders. The last statement made me a little uncomfortable. "Come on, let's go to my room. You can tell me about yourself while I write a letter." I followed him to the third floor. His room was a few doors down from mine. His room was covered in moving Quidditch posters, and was painted the colors red and gold. He sat down at a desk next to his bed, and gestured for me to sit. I sat on the floor my legs pulled up to my chest, my arms, which were cover by my black jacket, crossed on top of my legs. I rested my chin on my arms. James dug around for a pen and paper. He was about to start writing when he looked at me.

"You don't talk much do you?" He said more like a statement than a question.

"I never have anything to say most of the time and I don't like talking about myself much." I said. Mostly he would probably act weird around me if he knew most things about me. He nodded.

"Well, how about I ask you random questions about you and you answer." He reasoned. I shrugged. He took that as a yes.

"What's your favorite color?" he asked while writing his letter.

"Purple or black." I answered.

"Favorite food?"

"Anything Chocolate."

"When's your birthday?"

"October 10th."

"Favorite position in Quidditch?"

"Chaser."

"Have you ever played Quiddicth?"

"No, my old school didn't think young ladies should play horrid game."

James spun around quickly, mouth wide open. "What school would ever think that?" He almost screamed.

"Beauxbatons." I replied bitterly.

"I am guessing then you've never rode on a broomstick." He said. I nodded.

"That is going to change quickly. Favorite animal?" He continued to and spun back around to finish writing his letter.

"A wolf." I answered.

We played like that for a while till he asked me the question I have always dreaded answering.

"What's your past story?" He asked. I stiffened.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He said.

I was silent for a moment thinking about telling him then decided against it.

"Next question." I replied. He nodded and asked, "Do you ever take off that jacket?" I shook my head no. Even after he had finished his letter and sent it, he kept asking me questions. After a while he ran out of questions and then started to tell me about him. He was attending Hogwarts as a Gryffindor 7th year, and other things but what he liked telling me most about was his friend the other three Marauders as they called themselves. They we're the pranksters of Hogwarts. He told me about every one of them. Remus is the smart, responsible one of the group and the plan master. Peter who was away visiting his sick mum and is distancing himself from the others, this really worried James, and James's best friend the one the only Sirius Black. Sirius was a master pranker, always looked on the brightside of things, but only had two settings happy or angry, but I believed he had other emotions than that, and he sometimes or more than sometimes ended up staying here most of the summer. He told me about all the awesome pranks they pulled, and a girl named Lily. When he talked about her he had this dream like look on his face that caused me to laugh, and he threw a wad of paper at me, but just laughed and threw it back at him. Afterwards he somehow ended up sitting on the floor next to me.

"You're a great listener." He replied. I shrugged.

"You know you could talk once in a while." he said. I just shrugged again. He laughed. The door opened to show Dorea, who smiled at us.

"It's time for dinner, and James someone's here to see you."

James nodded. She left and James then stood up. He held his hand out to help me up. I pulled my sleeve down again with my fingers and took his hand. He smiled at me.

"I think I have a pretty good guess who's here to see me, but I think he's more of wanting to see you than me." He said, "Since I mentioned you in the letter I was writing to him." I twisted my hair around my finger upset that he did that.

"Don't look so mad, it's best you meet him sooner than later. Come on, or he'll come up here himself." James said, laughing a bit. I sighed inwardly; another person to meet and I followed James down stairs.


	3. Chapter Three

I was going to follow James around the corner but I grabbed his arm.

"I'll not actually that hungry, I think I'm just going to go to bed." I lied. He raised an eyebrow at me questionly.

"I'm tried. Tell everyone I'm sorry and Dorea I'm sure dinner was going to be great." I said.

He nodded then I turned around and headed to my bed room. I shut my door softly; I waited a few minutes listen to James's footsteps leave the third floor. I sighed in relief. I knew that not going down to dinner and meeting James's friend would upset everyone but … I was getting close to James already and I was only here one day. I knew I shouldn't let that happen. I was interested in seeing who wanted to meet me though so I silently walked out of my room and head down the hallway trying not to make a sound. I hid low behind the railing next to the starting of the stairs where no one could see me. At the bottom of the stairs James was talking to a boy his age. The boy was laughing along with James. He had black messy hair that seemed he always had to move out in front of his eyes. He was taller than James by two inches it seemed, but the thing that really caught my attention was his eyes. They were a stormy gray color, that I have never seen before and I have meet a lot of people.

"Where's your new sister?" The boy asked.

"She's tried and decided to go to bed early." James answered.

"Without dinner?" The boy asked.

James shook his head. "Yes, Sirius and I know what you're thinking and quit thinking about it." James said. So this is Sirius…huh.

"What am I thinking Prongs?" Sirius asked innocently. James rolled his eyes.

"You know what, and don't do it. She's not like all the other girls you've met, and she lives with me. If you break her heart, I'll have to suffer for it. So that means she is off limits." James warned.

"You think so little of me. Ouch that hurts right in the heart Prongs." Sirius said placing a hand over his heart pretending to be hurt.

"Sirius, I mean it. I'm going to trust you on this." James said. Sirius smiled.

"Well you see James that you trust so easily. That's why you don't suspect that your new sister has been listening to our whole conversation. Isn't that right?" He called the last part. I cursed under my breath.

"Come on, I won't bite." Sirius yelled. I sighed pulled my sleeves down over my arms and stood up so they could see me.

"You might not bite, but I might." I called and headed down the stairs. I heard them laugh.

"Thought you said you weren't hungry and going to bed?" James asked when I reach them.

"I am but curiosity got the best of me." I replied.

"Wow, that's two of the longest sentences I heard you use all day." James smirked at me. I shrugged.

"And there she goes shrugging again. Well Vanessa this is Sirius." He said. Sirius smiled and shook my hand.

"James, I hate to say this and get punched, but you're new sister is hot." He said. James pushed him and gave him a look. Sirius held up his hands to defend himself laughing. I stiffened at the comment. Any other girl would have blushed or thanked him for the compliment but I took it as I need to be careful so he doesn't start liking me and he gets hurt or worse I get hurt again.

"Vanessa is a mouth full how about we shorten it or something; How about James?" Sirius asked. James rubbed his chin like someone deep in thought.

"I agree." James said nodding. I raised an eyebrow.

"How about V?" he asked. I shook my head.

"Nessa? Or maybe Ness?" Sirius asked.

"I like those two." James said. I smiled and nodded.

"Ah point for me a smile and liking my idea. I'm on a roll." Sirius said. I rolled my eyes.

"You just lost one of those points Padfoot." James laughed and Sirius pouted.

"I'm leaving now." I said.

"Aww don't go I have to replace the point I lost." Sirius wined. Great, it's time to mean.

"I'm fucking tried so fucking deal with it." I replied harshly, glaring at him, and I headed up the stairs. Not looking at their faces from my outburst so I don't do anything I'll regret more. Before I shut my door I heard Sirius say, "James I think you won't be able to trust me on this one." Damn it. I sat on my bed and dug through my bag. I found what I was looking for and headed into the bathroom making sure to lock the door behind me. I pulled off my jacket and shirt. You could now see my wrist and some parts of my arms covered with healing cuts I made. I put the razor against my skin, then seconds later, watched the blood flow out of the new fresh cut on from my wrist not even feeling the pain. I stopped feeling the pain of it a long time ago.


	4. Chapter Four

“Nessa hurry up!!!!” I heard the two Marauders yell up the stairs in unison. I sighed. I had been at the Potter’s house and care for two weeks and they have yet to get rid of me. 

Yesterday, Charlus took me to Hogwarts early to get sorted into a house. The hat yelled, “Gryffindor!!” Before it, even went all the way on my head. James and Sirius were very happy and made a huge deal about it; I just glared at them and stomped up stairs to my room, but not without saying thanks to Charlus.

The two Marauders had gotten on my nerves and kept trying to get close to me, but I won’t let them, and I had to put on the mean Vanessa act, but they wouldn’t get the message to leave me alone, or they did and just tried a lot more to annoy the shit out of me. It got to the point where I didn’t acknowledge them. If I did I was rude and hurtful. It worked on James and he sometimes backed off, but Sirius just smiled and kept trying, pretending he didn’t hear me or did and just didn’t care.

Some days I slipped up and was regular old Vanessa they first met, laughed at their jokes or their silliness, smiled, talked a little, and was a lot nicer, but then one of them would say something to remind me that I couldn’t get close or them to me and I let back mean Vanessa, full claws out. I didn’t like to but when they left me or broke my heart it would hurt me a little less. It was getting harder to be mean in the last few days and I slipped up more. I was also getting this weird feeling around Sirius that made me even harsher around him, that of course didn’t work on him. He seemed to notice my little act and it made me angry that he did. I went to the bathroom a lot and came out with a lot more scars on my arms.

One day Sirius even asked me why I always wear long sleeves and my ratty old jean jacket or black hoodie every day, while I in the Potter library at the time. I glared at him and asked harshly, “Why does it concern you what I wear and what I don’t?” I didn’t wait for an answer. I just slammed the book I had and marched out of the room. I hate doing things like that.

I glanced in the mirror before I left and saw a girl with dark auburn hair and sad, weird looking purple blue eyes in it. I sighed again and shut the light off, then closed the bathroom door behind me. I went over to my bed and grabbed my jean jacket and put sunglasses on.

I then headed down stairs. James was looking nervous and excited at the same time. I knew the reason he wanted to go so quickly was that his cousin wrote him a letter that his dear, Lily Evans, would be at Diagon Ally today getting her supplies also. His cousin knew this because she is one of Lily’s best friends, who was meeting up with Lily today. Sirius smiled at me and put an arm around my shoulders.

“Took you long enough, love.” He smirked. I pulled away from him.

“Don’t call me that.” I said glaring at him. He laughed.

“Whatever you say,love.” He replied.

I rolled my eyes and muttered, “I hate you” under my breath.

“I heard that, love.” Sirius said chuckling. I made sure Dorea and Charlus weren’t looking and flipped him the bird.

James laughed, and then said to his parents, “Can we leave now?” Mr. and Mrs. Potter nodded. James went to the fireplace and Flooed to Diagon Ally.

Sirius gestured a hand and said, “After you.” I glared at him and Flooed to Diagon Ally after James.

After everyone was there I told Dorea and Charlus, I was going to get my things myself. Charlus smiled at me and gave me some money. I told him thank you and headed to the book store to get my book list and maybe more books not on the list. After a while had had everything I needed so I went to the ice cream shop. I sat at the table in the back, eating death by chocolate ice cream, my favorite. When James, Sirius, another boy I didn’t know and two girls I also didn’t know entered the shop.

“Shit.” I mumbled. Every time I feel relaxed and don’t have to pretend to be someone I hate being, they always come and ruin it. Sirius and James immanently saw me. They headed over and brought their friends with them. They pulled up chairs and surrounded me.

“What are you doing sitting all by yourself for?” James asked. 

“To get away from you guys, but at last, I didn’t try hard enough. I’ll do better next time to avoid seeing you.” I said and glared at him and Sirius.

“Don’t go through all that trouble doing that, love.” Sirius replied smirking.

“What do you want, dickhead?” I asked bitterly. I heard the two girls and the other boy sniffle laughs.

“You, love.” Sirius replied without hesitation and smiled a dazzling smile that made my heart skip a beat. 

“Never going to happen, dickhead.” I said. He leaned forward a little.

“We’ll see, love.” He said, still smiling that smile. I lean forward were our faces were a few feet away, and he stiffened staring at my lips.

“Go to Hell.” I said. I smiled a bitter sweet smile. His smiled didn’t go away and if possible it looked a little more dazzling.

James and the others were holding their sides with laughter, and didn’t notice that he was still smiling. I stood up and left the table and my ice cream.

On the way out I heard Sirius yell after me, “See you there, love!!” I slammed the shop door behind me, the bell ringing harshly. I started walking away when I heard the shop door open and two pairs of footsteps running after me.

“Hey, wait up!!” I heard a girl voice call after me. I turned around and saw the two girls running towards me.

“What?” I snapped. 

“I just wanted to tell you that, you are the only one of the girls, other than Lily and I, ever heard that has ever talked to Sirius liked that or denied him. And it was very amusing.” The one on the left said. She had curl black hair and dark blue eyes to match. She had on dark washed jeans, and a cool black Guns and Roses shirt. The one on the right had vibrant red hair that was in a messy pony tail, and almond shaped green eyes. She was wearing a plain white shirt and light jeans. 

“Thanks…”I said surprised. The girl with the black curly hair held out her hand to me.

“I’m Jade. James’s cousin and I honestly feel bad for you having to live with him and Sirius in the same house it must be awful. Now that I think about we’re cousins too now.” Jade replied. 

“I’m Vanessa. I thank you for your concern, and give you my own for being ‘actually’ related to James; even if he’s not as much as a dickhead as Sirius.” I said. Jade laughed.

“And I’m Lily Evans.” The red headed girl introduced herself.

“So you’re the mystery, Lily. James can’t seem to shut up about and it’s very annoying sometimes. Its Lily is the most beautiful girl ever and I love how she blah, blah, blah. I’m going to marry her someday.” I said mocking James’s voice at the end. Lily blushed, while Jade laughed harder.

“I’m sorry that was rude, and mean. I shouldn’t have said it.” I said. I think it’s alright to be normal Vanessa.

“It’s alright. I didn’t take it offensive. It seems Sirius has a great interest in you.” Lily smiled at me.

“Only, because he can’t have me.” I replied.

‘That’s going to have to change.’ I thought, ‘I can’t have him grow feelings and I can’t allow myself to have any either.’

“Are you done shopping, yet?” Jade asked. I nodded.

“Well we have things we still need to get, do you want to come?” Lily asked. 

“Sure.” I said.

I spent the rest of the time in Diagon Ally with them, after a while we started talking like we’ve know each other forever. We were in Eeylops Owl Emporium and Magical Menagerie and I was petting a black kitten while Jade got some medicine for her owl, Demon, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at the owner of the hand, still holding the kitten, to see Charlus, smiling at me.

“It’s time to leave.” he said.

I sighed and set the black kitten down sadly, petting its head goodbye. I think he might of seen my expression of sadness as I put the kitten down, as Charlus picked the kitten up and paid the witch at the counter. He handed the cat to me, after she was paid for. I took her, and then did something I thought I’d never do. I hugged him tightly. He was surprised at first then hugged me back, smoothing the back of my hair. I pulled away and turned to say goodbye to Jade and Lily.

“I’ll write you and maybe we could meet up before we go to school.” Jade said. Lily nodded.

“That’d be great. Bye you guys.” I said and left the store with Charlus.  
~Later~

We arrived home and I ignored the two Marauders and told Dorea and Charlus that I was tired and going to bed. They let me go but looked uncertain about it. I headed upstairs petting the black kitten I decided to call Shadow.

Sirius and James followed but I slammed my door in their faces, locking it behind me. They knocked a few times and tried to come in, but I heard a little harsh words snapped at each other, then got the message for the first time ever, that I didn’t want them near me.

I set Shadow on my bed while I put on a purple tank top and black shorts. Then I curled up in bed next to Shadow, her soft fur brushing against my bare, scared arms.

While I was falling asleep, I thought, ‘I think maybe this time will be different from the others. There’s only one way to find out.’


	5. Chapter Five

I slammed my trunk shut, grumbling to myself, “I didn’t want to get on a stupid train and go to stupid Hogwarts where Sirius and James (well mostly Sirius) won’t leave me alone and be dickheads.”

Today, I was leaving to go Hogwarts. Ever since Diagon Ally, Sirius had been getting under my skin more and more and by noon the plan to be normal Vanessa flew out the window. I was nice Vanessa with Dorea and Charlus, and anyone else that lived in this horrid house, mean Vanessa let out her claws and attacked full power.

One time I threw Shadow, the kitten Charlus bought me, at Sirius’s face and scratched it up pretty badly. He was annoying me and I threatened to do it and he still carried on so, I kept my promise. Shadow hate’s him anyway and that makes to of us. I picked up Shadow afterwards and headed up stairs to my bed room, when I got there; I felt guilty, but took the pain away the guilt by getting my razor and headed into the bathroom.

It was getting harder to be a bitch to Sirius; it made me want to hate him more. I hate him, his smile, his eyes, his voice, his laugh, his existence, I hate him. The way he just smiles, when I do something to try and make him hate me and give up, made me want to hate him more, but it was the very same thing that made hating him impossible, that made my heart skip a few beats, that made me gasp silently, and made me want to take what I all said back. I felt weird whenever he was around, and I hate him for making me feel this way. James was getting better at leaving me alone and not pissing me off.

I hide these feelings and got rid of them for only a few moments with my razor. My razor numbed the pain of hiding those horrid feelings away. I felt like screaming but instead I wrote my feelings down as songs in my song journal.

I sang and played my guitar when I was sure everyone was out of the house, but one day Dorea came home early and heard me, but didn’t say anything to me, just smiled, clapped and went into her study smiling.

I sighed and put on my black hoddie and picked up Shadow. Charlus was coming up the stairs to get me probably, when I walked out of my room with a frown clear on my face.

“I’ll get your trunk and meet you down stairs, sweetheart.” He said. I smiled and nodded thanks. He was the only person I was close to in this house.

I envied James a little for having such a great dad when mine…. I shook my head and I went down stairs to see everyone waiting. Sirius smiled; great this is going to go so well. Note the sarcasm.

“What took you so long? I would be jumping in excitement to finally get to be going to Hogwarts.” He said. I glared and him then smiled.

“Well thankfully, I’m not you. I see your face doesn’t have any more scratches’, to bad. I needed a good laugh.” I said wanting to flinch at my harsh tone, but held back. He frowned a little, and was about to say a comeback at me when Charlus came down stairs with my trunk. 

“Everyone ready?” He asked.

We all nodded then Flooed to platform 9 and three quarters to meet the Hogwarts Express, and I was dreading it. 

***********************************************************************************

I said goodbye to Charlus and Dorea after they helped me put my trunk up and headed onto the train, Sirius and James losing me in the crowd. I headed to an empty compartment and shut all the blinds on the door and curled up next to the window.

It was peaceful and nice to be alone for a while, until the train pulled out of the station and I could hear James and Sirius and other people talking opening and closing compartments looking for me. I groaned inwardly when they opened my door. Sirius sat straight across from me, James next to him, and the other boy from the ice cream shop next to him, and after him the girls, Jade and Lily, came in and sat next to me.

“Trying to hide, huh?” Jade asked.

“You can’t blame a girl from trying.” I said. She shook her head fondly. Sirius cleared his throat. I turned my head at him glaring.

“What, dickhead?” I snapped. He smiled at me unfazed. I think my heart skipped a beat. 

“We wanted to introduce the third member of the Marauders, since you abruptly left last time, love.” He replied.

“Don’t call me that, I swear next time I’ll throw something at you.” I warned. He pretended I hadn’t said anything.

“This is Remus Lupin, love. Remus this is our dearest Vanessa.” He introduced the other boy. He smiled at me and waved. I wasn’t paying attention though, because Sirius had called me ‘love’ again.

I grabbed Lily’s book she was reading and threw it at his head. I wished I had Shadow, but she was in her cage like the rest of the animals. Sirius dodged at the last minute, and the book hit the seat right where his head had been. He turned to Remus smiling.

“Lovely isn’t she?” he asked Remus, amused. I glared at him. Remus laughed.

“Vanessa, I was reading that!” Lily wined. Sirius rolled his eyes. I wasn’t listening to her, I was glaring at Sirius and my eyes refused to leave him.

“Can’t you ever just leave me alone for a total of five minutes?” I snapped. He turned his whole body towards me and smirked at me, his grey eyes never leaving mine.

“I can’t do that, love. You’re just to entertaining to be around.” He replied.

“Well, find another source of entertainment.”

“Nope I like this one.”

“Go jump off the train, and don’t come back.”

“You’d miss me too much.”

“I highly doubt that. You’re such an asshole.”

“Thank you and I might add that it takes one to know one.” I just glared this time and I flipped him off and looked out the window to see it was raining. I heard Lily and Jade talking about classes they would have this year. James and Remus were talking about Quidditch and Sirius was humming, and was starting to get annoying.

“Would you quit it?” I snapped again at him. He shook his head and continued to hum.

“Quit or I’ll punch you.” He continued and started to di it louder. I stood up and punched him in the jaw and everyone stopped talking. He put a hand to his bleeding lip and looked up at me. I immanently felt like punching myself.

“Nice punch.” I glared at him harder.

“Go to Hell, already.”

“I’m already am, love.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I questioned. I was still glaring at him and his eyes never left mine .He stood up also, and whispered in my ear, his lips almost touching my ear, “Your smart, figure it out.”

His breath on my skin made me want to shiver but I refused to give him the satisfaction. His body was a centimeter away from mine, we were almost touching. I flinched he was taller than me and I took a step back.

I looked at him to say something back, but then just looked into his eyes and saw the pain of my words and harshness to him reflecting in them and how much it hurt him.

I wanted to start stammering apologizes, but knew that I couldn’t. I can’t give him my heart because he’ll just stomp on it or throw it back laughing at me. I can’t take the chance and I can’t let him even feel the same way. I need to leave and stay away from him, if he won’t stay away from me. I turned on my heel and ran as fast as my black combat boots would let me.

*************************************************************************************

I ran to the end of the train knocking over students. I found an empty compartment stood in it and stared out the window silent tears rolling down my cheeks.

I felt like jumping through the window, hoping to die on impact but didn’t. I had no idea why I felt this way. Sirius deserved that punch but I felt like screaming when I saw the look in his gray eyes. It knocked the breath out of me. I have punched many people, more than I’d like to admit, and never felt a twinge of sympathy for it or felt upset about it.

Before I found out I was a witch, I went to normal Muggle schools till I was 11. I was the shy, dress in long shelved clothes, mind her own business kind of girl, and was called depressed, emo, (well that’s kind of true) mentally insane, criminal, (I have done things to be called that, but I only start after they started calling me it.) and slut or a whore (mostly in wizarding schools for the last two). Whoever called me any of those now a day got beat up hard.

When I hit Sirius though I felt as if… I had just hit myself and I wanted to apologize and take it all back. I hated that feeling. What is he doing to me? I wanted to find my trunk and just numb it, make it disappear for a few moments, but I knew I couldn’t. I would have to endure it until I was alone in the castle. I sat down on the seat my knees pulled to my chest.

My mind was clouded with thoughts I almost didn’t notice Lily slip in and sit across from me, almost. We sat in silence for a few moments then she said, “We should change into our robes.” I looked at her and nodded. She was the only one other than Dorea, and Charlus that knew about my past.

One of the days I was over at her house, I told her. We went into town for her mother and saw one of my old foster sisters, aka a bitch, who knew everything about me.

I lived with that girl a few days after it, the worst day of my life happened, and her rich parents told her everything.

She smirked had called me out and called me a slut and freak. I ignored her and Lily was at the other end of the store a few feet away. I keep ignoring her till the little bitch said, “Have you seen your mom and dad lately? Oh yeah your mom’s not alive anymore, well how about your dad? I bet you have, haven’t you? Did you enjoy round two or is it past round two?”

I had tackled the bitch to the ground, and was beating the shit out her, with tears rolling down my face. Lily and the people who worked at the store had to drag me off her kicking and screaming.

Afterwards Lily sat with me at a park bench and demanded to know what happened. I told her what the bitch said and she didn’t pry into what she meant. Later in her bedroom I broke down crying and told her what the bitch meant.

Lily was the only person I could talk to. I sighed from where I sat next to her, when the train stopped.

“We’re here.” Lily said and stood up from her seat.

“Just for the record I loved it when you punched, Black.” She repiled. I sighed again.

“I don’t want to face Sirius. I want to sit here and head back to London with this train.” I muttered under my breath hoping she wouldn’t hear me, but Lily has radar ears. I didn’t want to see the hurt in those gray eyes or worse.

“I’m sorry but that’s not going to happen…but I can take you to the common room and show you too the girl’s dormitory then head down to the feast.” She said. I stood up and hugged her.

“Thank you.” I replied into her red hair.

“Yeah, yeah… Come on.” She laughed.

I followed her out off the train, both trying to avoid the Marauders. I was mostly trying to avoid the one I had mixed feelings about, the other two I could probably handle. We hopped on to a carriage and headed up to the school.

Lily and I snuck, well I followed Lily not knowing where I was going, up some flights of stairs and Lily muttered a password to a portrait of as fat lady in pink and entered the room I suppose was the common room. She showed me the dormitory and I collapsed on what was my bed for the next few months.

“Well I’m going to dinner. I’ll be up in a while and Jade too, and the other roommates.” Lily said and headed down the stairs and glanced back before she headed around the corner. I closed my eyes and let out a long breath.

She probably thinks I’m unstable and she shouldn’t leave me up here by myself. Well she’s right.

I let Shadow out of her cage and headed to my trunk. I ruffled through my things and found my savoir. I went into the girl’s bathroom, locking the door and made three new fresh cuts on both my arms. I cleaned up the red mess afterwards and headed back to my bed.

I put on my pajamas that cover my arms and laid there staring at the ceiling thinking ‘I am so glad its Friday and I don’t have to go to classes till Monday.’


	6. Chapter Seven

Sunsets are my favorite time of the day. Its where all the colors day and night are mixed into one and in the end the darkness of night would win, but later during dawn the light would make a comeback.

Right now its noon, and the sky was covered in storm clouds, and I’m standing in the Astrometry Tower looking over the Quidditch pitch, wishing it was sunset and thinking.

I had about less than twenty minutes before Sirius would find me. I sighed under my breath. It’s been about a month since I have arrived at Hogwarts and Sirius and I became…well anyone would say we were friends now, but I am still heavily guarded about it.

I wasn’t willing to put it down anytime soon either. He doesn’t know about my past and I plan to keep it that way.

It’s hard though just to be friends with him.

It hurts so much that my heart feels like it’s going to burst, half the time I’m around him. It hurts just being friends and it hurts even being friends. Does that even make sense?

I shook the thoughts out of my head.

Even now that we are friends, if that’s the way to call it, we still fight like cats and dogs half the time.

At first I said I wouldn’t give him another chance, but then he’d look at me with those gray eyes and I’d just melt. My guard and ice cold heart, I have made so long ago and had since forever I could remember, melted. I put up a fight, not a big one, and then I’d forgive him.

When I did he’d smile a smile at me like he didn’t know what he does to me. All the heart racing, summersaults, and confusion it causes my brain and heart. It infuriates me to no end but I’m also glad he doesn’t know how I feel because that would make matters worse.

The October air made me shiver and I tightened my red wool scarf around me. I looked over the railing and down at the ground. It was a long way down…huh. If anyone was to fall, it would certainly, most likely kill them from the landing. I continued to stare at the ground for a moment then I looked at the path to the Quidditch pitch.

There were students covered in red and green to support their houses.

I sighed again.

Today was the first match of the season and it was the biggest game of the year, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin, and Sirius wanted me to be there.

I like quidditch don’t get me wrong, but I had this thing about not being near the Marauder fan club, and the new head of the club, the devil herself; Carrie Montgomery. 

She’s everything I’m not. She’s pretty with her platinum blonde hair and green eyes also curvy in all the right places.

Unlike me, I have brown hair with an auburn tint to it, and these weird purple blue eyes. I’m just the kind of girl mean girls like her like to pick on, and unfortunately she’s a new student at Hogwarts like me.

She arrived late because her family wanted extra vacation time.

It also is unfortunate that last year I got expelled from Beauxbatons for setting a three headed dog on her. The moment I saw her I wanted to drown myself in the Black Lake. I remember the day she bumped into me in the hall the first time we saw each other:

I was walking down the hall putting my book in my bag when a girl in Gryffindor robes bumped into me causing me to fall. My book slide away from me, I was reaching for it when tan legs stood in my line of reach

. “Watch where your going-” She cut off when I looked up at her glaring, but it soon turned into wide eyes. And there she was already surrounded by minions she probably made in a matter of minutes. Her look of surprise disappeared as quickly as it came. 

“What are you doing here, freak. I thought you’d be in Azkaban with your deadbeat father?” She put a hand on her hip and raised an eyebrow. She didn’t let me answer.

“Wow you even look uglier and freak like than I last saw you. You should consider getting a new face.” Her new minions laughed. I glared at her. 

“Looks like those dogs bites went away nicely, Carrie.” I smiled a bittersweet smile that I once smiled at Sirius. Her eye twitched. 

“Did you get a new clown face to cover them up?” I asked innocently, gritting my teeth. She smiled a smile that boys always swooned for the moment she flashed it, but in her eyes was the clear look of disgust. I was just a fly that never went away and spins around her perfectly styled hair-head buzzing in her ear. 

“Aww why so tense is it because you haven’t-” She never finished that sentence because one of her minions bumped her in the shoulder and turn to the person that stood behind them and twisted her hair around her finger. 

My book had been picked up and was in the hands of my adoptive brother James. And something tells me he saw the whole thing. Crap.

Carrie turned away from me and I could just see her batting her fake eyelashes at him. 

“Oh, hello. I’m Carrie and you are?” James looked at her like she was a piece of gum under his shoe.

I stood up and rolled my eyes. I pushed past her minions that were practically fainting at the sight of James. I grabbed my book from him. 

“Sis, I’m okay with getting Lily to punching this girl.” James looked at her with a cold look in his eyes.

“No it’s fine, James.” He looked at me and then back at Carrie.

“I think you should go before I lose my temper.” Carrie looked to him and me and then flipped her fluffy hair and walked away with her minions. I sighed, knowing that this wouldn’t be the end of her. I’ve learned that she always wants the last say, but that will never happen with me. James looked pissed off but I just walked off muttering, “I’m fine,” under my breath. 

After that I think James told the other Marauders about it because the next time I saw Carrie her hair was a sickly green color, and Sirius took a while forget and get over the encounter with the princess of all princesses.

Since then she makes sure nobodies around when she targets me. So I avoid her at all cost so I don’t get expelled from here. Because when she’s around I’m never on my best behavior and I have a hard time restraining myself from pulling out her fake hair extensions.

It’s very likely she will be at that game, and also the clouds look like at any moment they were going to shed their tears. Nothing can make me go.

Speaking of James though; he and Lily are getting along very well since I gave him the advice to leave her alone with the asking her out thing and just let it be. ‘Whatever happens, happens’ was my advice to him.

Another breeze of air made me shiver again.

I should have worn a jacket or something; my black sweater couldn’t keep out the cold for long. 

In about five minutes the game would start and I would have successfully hid from Sirius. He never misses a game.

Then all of a sudden two hands were on my shoulders and a voice whispered in my ear, “Good hiding spot.”

Shit, thought it too soon.

“Not good enough.” I replied. His addictive laugh ringed in my ears. I turned around to look at him, and his hands fell off my shoulders.

His hair was disheveled from the chilly wind and kept falling over his eyes. He was wearing his lucky jersey that had his quidditch number and his last name on the back and front of it, a white t-shirt visible underneath the collar, and dark washed jeans. His gray eyes were bright with their usual laughter and caused my stomach to be filled with the usual butterflies.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you didn’t want to see me play.” He said, voice filled with humor and sarcasm.

Come on, Vanessa come up with and excuse fast. “It’s not that Siri, it’s just cold and I have to finish my…Transfiguration essay.”

Yeah, the one I finished the day Professor McGonagall assigned it.

I mentally slapped myself.

I usually can come up with a lie with no sweat but lying to Sirius was harder than lying to anyone else. What is this boy doing to me? He raised an eyebrow, seeing straight through my lie. Then he smiled his charming smile.

“You can copy my essay.” He replied, “As for being cold…”

He took off his jersey and his white t-shirt lifted to show me a glimpse of his hard stomach from playing quidditch for six years.

I pushed down the blush that was rising to my cheeks, and started to object, when his jersey was over my head before I could even get a word in. The warmth of it covered my body and the smell of peppermint and pine filled my nose covering my favorite scent of my vanilla shampoo. The smell was comfortable and my body relaxed.

‘Stop it Vanessa,’ I scowled myself.

I noticed that the jersey was a little big on me and the sleeves too long. I rolled up the sleeves, while making sure my arms didn’t show my cuts or the fresh bandages from last night.

“There problem solved.” He smirked at me.

I pushed a strand of hair that fell in my face away and started, “Sirius I want to go, really, but I’m not going to copy your work, and you need your lucky jersey for the game.”

“Come on love, I’ll get on my knees and beg you, if I have to. Please come.”

“You’re going to miss your game Sirius.” I replied.

He then got down on his knees, put his hands together and pouted. His eyes pleading, like every time he asked me for another chance.

Aww crap I’m doomed to fail now. He looks so cute doing that, and I can feel my defenses failing. 

“Siri-” 

He grabbed my hands, put them in his and pulled them to his chest.

“Please love. I want you to be there.” Right then my guard just collapsed completely, and my heart started have butterflies along with my stomach. I sighed, and a smile started to form on his face.

“Alright, let’s go before you’re late, and James has your head on a silver platter.” I replied.

He jumped up, still having my hands in his, and smiled hugely. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and started to lead me towards the towers stairs.

“I knew you’d decide to go, and one day you will give in to my charms.” He smirked at me. I duck from under his arm and pushed him playfully.

“What charm?” I countered. I know that charm; it’s the one that makes me forget how to breathe.

“You’re going to pay for that one.” Sirius said. My eyes widened and he lunged for me. I shrieked and dogged his attack.

I started to run down the tower stairs Sirius not far behind.

Stupid quidditch is good to him.

I make out of the tower and halfway to the pitch before he catches me and throws me over his shoulder, causing me to shriek again and pull the sleeves lower on my arms to hide the scars.

“Sirius put me down!” I screeched, beating my fists on his back.

“Not a chance, love.” He laughed.

“I hate you.” I huffed in defeat.

“Sure you do, love,” Was his answer.

He carried me over his shoulder the whole way to the pitch. It seemed like forever before he finally put me down.

When he did I glared at him and marched to the entrance to the stands. I could hear the house chanting for their team and players. The sound made my ears hurt.

Sirius ran in front of me.

“You started it love.”

“Whatever.” That was true but I refuse to admit it.

“Hey aren’t you going to wish me good luck?” He asked with fake hurt. I rolled my eyes and said, “No.” He smiled, at me with his trouble maker smile.

“But I let you wear my jersey. I need something for good luck.” He complained. I raised an eyebrow. I didn’t ask to wear it.

“Like what?” I questioned.

“I don’t how about a…kiss?” The thought of Sirius kissing me made the butterflies in my stomach go ballistic and just like that my guard was up.

I started to mentally kick myself.

Nice going, Vanessa.

“In your dreams.” I replied and started to walk past him but he caught my arm.

“Come on love, just one.” He said, his eyes had little flecks of blue in them.

I opened my mouth to say something that I had no control over when James’s voice yelled out, “Padfoot you get in this locker room, put on your robes and get your ass on the field or I swear-!”

“Clam yourself Prongs; don’t get your robes in a twist!” Sirius yelled over his shoulder, and then looked back at me. His eyes met mine; he leaned towards me and whispered in my ear, “By the way, I dream about kissing you every time I close my eyes.”

I froze, I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. Suddenly Sirius took my scarf and put it in his pocket.

“Hey!” I cried. Sirius let me go and put in his pocket. He smiled at me and started to walk towards the locker room.

“I’ll give it back, but I need something for good luck!” He said over his shoulder, and then he disappeared into the locker room to get changed.


End file.
